Being insecure is just part of me

Yes , I confess that I do feel insecure all the times . When people start to approach me and say hi to me , my self defense system alarm will starts to function and my cold face will be up . I am not sure why I always like to act cool or cold or rarely talk  of people when I fist met them and I if possible I hope I can end the conversation within seconds . I think I will only starts to talk when I really feel comfortable opening my mouth . I am not that kind of person who will add friends on Facebook orTwitter or even remember my college mates names even after I knew them for about a month because I want to keep a distance from them. When I first step into college , I think I was the one who would really introduced myself in the fastest way ever and secretly hope the lecturer won't call my name to answer any stupid questions. This insecurity in me build up as I experienced something before in my life that I would choose to forget about it but I can't . Every time , I try to learn how to let go but I just can't . My whole body will kinda shut down in a way that I have no control and will start to push people away . This is sad because my friends will get hurt by not knowing the reason behind it and I admit it is kinda selfish that for not letting them know . Sometimes I do find it scary as it kinda eats up in me and I sacred I will lost control in controlling my own life and achieving my dreams. 

Escape

I want to get drunk , I want to be not knowing where am I when I woke up , I want to escape from my life , I want to be free and I want be free from problems . These are the thoughts I actually have in my mind constantly because I do really want to escape from own problems in studies or in tests . Recently , there was a news showing a high school girl studying in a independence high school decided to end her life by jumping down from a building . She claimed she had too much stress in life  because her mother had high expectations for her in studies . Well, I guess if she can use this as a excuse to end her life , then why can't I do it too ? I mean well practically I am in college and I am working so hard and I feel so tired all the times and I have pressure too , so I do can use this as an excuse to end my life right ? But I won't do it because I don't want to hurt my parents . One thing that I constantly keep thinking is if I end my life right now , who is going to take care of my mum and dad ? Who is going to be there when they need help ? Who is going to see them when they are old ? I wonder did all these thought ran through the girl's head . Yes , a mother can be cruel to a child when she is off her mind but that doesn't mean we can use this as an excuse because at the end of the day , she is my mother .She did gave birth to me and I stayed in her womb for 9 months . Every mother loves their child and we should really try not to break her heart because it is not the right way . If you feel pressurized by your mother or father , I think the best way is to tell your feeling to them and if they don't listen , they your feelings to your relatives or friends or anyone who is willing to give help .Escape is necessary but one should not abuse the rights of escape by doing it in a stupid way .You don't have a right to end your life in any way because only God has the power to do so. Life is hard and there are a lot of hurdles for us to go through and there will be more pressure in the future. If a person can't even handle his/her emotion when he/she is young then they really need to seek help from someone . There is a whole lot of future for us to venture and please remember death don't solve one's question but will only creates a lot more troubles and pains for the one who care about you .