MBBS

What is mbbs will be the first word that pop into people mind whenever I told people what I studied, especially the elderly people , they be like " girl, what is that " . It is an abbreviation for bachelor in medicine and surgery. Sometimes , I be wondering during my free time and ask myself, why on earth would I actually want to take this degree, do I take it because people can call me doctor in the future or did i took it because I generally have passion and willing to serve my country? I can't said much for others but till today I still think about it and linger on my choice at times. I only know I want to study medicine when i was 16 and subsequently I did my own research on how to study and how do you enrolled into this course all by myself. This is because none of my cousins ever took medicine as their degree and my parents knew nothing about it at all. The only thing we all know is that it is not easy and it is tough, the word TOUGH actually appear uncountable times during the moment I step into my course. I had lost count of how many times i mentioned it to others. People always think that the word 'TOUGH' keeps on appearing in my course is normal as it had been labelled tough since day one in other people's eye. The course itself is not tough , but the friends around me or the lecturers around me make me feel tough. It doesn't make sense right ? How could your friends possibly make it tough for you. Example : When I first took my exam in the course, I failed badly, a legit F , it wasn't easy for me to take in, I was sad and frustrated at the same time because I did work hard but couldn't score and oh well the F did not stop , it went on for like 3 times and yet I'm still experiencing failures in life, on my paper of course. Then, I told my friends , I was taken back when some of them mentioned this phrase to me ' Didn't you study' 'oh, you must have not been studying' 'told y'all, you are not suitable for this course' and etc. These were the words that actually made my course tough, the words that just shattered your dream, the words that made you feel small, the words that made you feel like ' yes, I can't possibly to do that'. Everyday, I keep on doubting myself, am I making the right choice to do what is said to be one of the toughest job to be done , am I capable in doing that. The answer would be yes, my answer is yes because if I'm not capable in doing it , I would have gave up long time ago , I would just abandoned it and never go to every classes, every lab sessions or every clinical sessions, i would have told myself ' nicole, stop, you can't possibly do it.' These word the words that I would muttered to myself to stop the journey. Almost one year i'm in this course, I don't know if I can do it but I will die trying because i wanted it, I can't guarantee myself to be an excellent doctor but I will die trying. Some people might think I'm stupid, wasting my talent and instead venture into a field not knowing where will I stand or what are my achievements . Yes, I didnt choose the course what others might think that is more suitable for me , but I hope next time , these people will understand why did I choose this course. As I know, to do great work, you need great stories to tell others. I start embracing my failures as part of my stories to do great work because I know by faith , I get there eventually.

Mask

  Mask is not just something to wear during a performance or to cover up one’s face. It can also be a sort of protection, a layer of plastic one can show to the world. Most of us wear a mask to face people to carry on with our daily lives but somehow few of us are not able to strip off even when we are with someone close. This is because it has become so natural for some of us to wear it every single second , just so no one can hurt us. It is nothing wrong to wear a mask at all, I admit that I do wear one because maybe I just trying to show the world how insensitive I am. I hate being a sentimental person , I just don’t understand why one need to be sentimental. I never really like to show my true emotions if possible because maybe I just afraid to get hurt. It is a very terrifying and scary to just let your emotions to be so easily vulnerable. Maybe I had past bad experiences in dealing my emotions with my people which made me feel like shutting my own feelings forever. Somehow I am a human,  no matter how much I control my feelings, it managed to slipped out but only to a certain of people whom I think I should probably let them in. A lot of us tend to forget that wearing a mask doesn’t mean one is not sincere or genuine. We are still the same person . It is just the inner side of me is not the same. The mask we are wearing takes time to strip off. Things don’t happen in seconds . Sometimes I think some of us push our friends or somebody we care too hard to take it off. I don’t get their actions. By doing so, it can never bring good. Most of us want to know what is running inside of one’s person heart rather than understand them and give them some time and space to settle their own feelings. Knowing and understanding is two different things . What  are you going to do if you know how I feel , are you going to tell someone else how screwed up I am deep down ? Judge me ? Criticize me ? While to me, understand a person inner side means you just have to let them to tell you what their problem is naturally , not push nor force them and not necessarily to confront them with what they feel.  Everybody actions under the mask mean something, take some time to examine it. It is never easy knowing how one’s feel under the deep layer of mask.  We all just have to wait and try to be as understandable we can instead of judging them. Mask is being put in for a reason. One who look quiet can be their mask, one who is happy and outgoing can also be their own way of covering up.  Discover what is under that thick mask, one need to have patience and gentle . 

Trust

Trust is a big word. It can be important to some of us or it might not. When I was young, my mum would always said ' nic, don't simply trust anybody , alright ?' I guess my response was ' yes, mum' but totally forget about in just a few seconds . I mean well what is so important about it anyway for a 3 years old child to know about trust. The same phrase was repeated by my mum again when I was in primary school. I didn't pay much attention to that word until I was in high school. I guess high school is really a place for us to grow . Trust can be use in any sentence or in any terms when we are talking. It can be just ' bro, I trust you man.' or it can be ' I trust you with this money' . Whenever we use the word trust on the particular matter, it is either personal or business. I personally think trust is harder to practice in personal than in business because at least in business, you are serious with the word trust but not when we are using it in our personal lives. I mean c'mon what is so damn important about the word that require us to practice in our daily lives too. Well, I guess people who have integrity will practice it and treat it with much gratitude. In our conversation, most of us will nicely remove the word 'I trust you ' to ' don't say anything about it alright' to make it less serious in a way. We all try to avoid use the word because we know it is not a word to toy with. I don't know why a lot of us like to say that trust has to be earn ? Why can't it be trust should be given to people who deserve it ? I mean instead of earning trust , why can't we let ourselves to take it as a gift from our friends. Earning something is so much harder than receiving it. Well , maybe I like to receive it because I believe that if I am a person who have good value and personality , then I don't see a problem in need to work it. I will have more pressure to earn it from someone than receiving it . I am not sure about others because I personally feel pressure when someone is trying to gain trust from me because it makes me to be a person that need to give you trust because you have done the all the right things to take it from me. I prefer to be the one that gives you willingly because I am willing to take  any circumstances if the trust given to you has been abuse by you. Lastly, trust is like a paper, once it is crumpled , it can't be perfect.

Being insecure is just part of me

Yes , I confess that I do feel insecure all the times . When people start to approach me and say hi to me , my self defense system alarm will starts to function and my cold face will be up . I am not sure why I always like to act cool or cold or rarely talk  of people when I fist met them and I if possible I hope I can end the conversation within seconds . I think I will only starts to talk when I really feel comfortable opening my mouth . I am not that kind of person who will add friends on Facebook orTwitter or even remember my college mates names even after I knew them for about a month because I want to keep a distance from them. When I first step into college , I think I was the one who would really introduced myself in the fastest way ever and secretly hope the lecturer won't call my name to answer any stupid questions. This insecurity in me build up as I experienced something before in my life that I would choose to forget about it but I can't . Every time , I try to learn how to let go but I just can't . My whole body will kinda shut down in a way that I have no control and will start to push people away . This is sad because my friends will get hurt by not knowing the reason behind it and I admit it is kinda selfish that for not letting them know . Sometimes I do find it scary as it kinda eats up in me and I sacred I will lost control in controlling my own life and achieving my dreams. 

Escape

I want to get drunk , I want to be not knowing where am I when I woke up , I want to escape from my life , I want to be free and I want be free from problems . These are the thoughts I actually have in my mind constantly because I do really want to escape from own problems in studies or in tests . Recently , there was a news showing a high school girl studying in a independence high school decided to end her life by jumping down from a building . She claimed she had too much stress in life  because her mother had high expectations for her in studies . Well, I guess if she can use this as a excuse to end her life , then why can't I do it too ? I mean well practically I am in college and I am working so hard and I feel so tired all the times and I have pressure too , so I do can use this as an excuse to end my life right ? But I won't do it because I don't want to hurt my parents . One thing that I constantly keep thinking is if I end my life right now , who is going to take care of my mum and dad ? Who is going to be there when they need help ? Who is going to see them when they are old ? I wonder did all these thought ran through the girl's head . Yes , a mother can be cruel to a child when she is off her mind but that doesn't mean we can use this as an excuse because at the end of the day , she is my mother .She did gave birth to me and I stayed in her womb for 9 months . Every mother loves their child and we should really try not to break her heart because it is not the right way . If you feel pressurized by your mother or father , I think the best way is to tell your feeling to them and if they don't listen , they your feelings to your relatives or friends or anyone who is willing to give help .Escape is necessary but one should not abuse the rights of escape by doing it in a stupid way .You don't have a right to end your life in any way because only God has the power to do so. Life is hard and there are a lot of hurdles for us to go through and there will be more pressure in the future. If a person can't even handle his/her emotion when he/she is young then they really need to seek help from someone . There is a whole lot of future for us to venture and please remember death don't solve one's question but will only creates a lot more troubles and pains for the one who care about you .

Targets

Everyone have targets or expectations in life to achieve because we all have dreams but sometimes , these expectations or targets will somehow affect our daily lives. We start to push ourselves over the limits, we start to think more serious, we act anxiously because we can't achieve the targets we are aiming, then slowly we start to think theses targets that we set for ourselves , can we achieve it or they are just words on the paper. Setting a target for yourself is easy, how about doing it? Yes, it is hard, everything in life is hard, there is not a day we can finish without making the right choices in life. Targets can be set in anything, in studies, in sports, in lives and in friendships. Having a target in life require to sacrifice something too. Sometimes, we have to put aside the desires, the temptations, the fun or friends aside, just to finish what we have set for ourselves. All these sacrifices we made , not everyone can understand about it. People may start to say something bad behind us, they may laugh, they may say negativity things to you to push you down so hard that you feel being humiliated by them.

Determination

Sport day had just finished and I had a great time even though my legs are in pain now. When I tried to recall back the day I started to go for house practice for senamrobik, I was having a normal feeling or should I said I was not really concerned with every steps that I had learned. I was really frustrated since my hands and legs coordination weren't that good and always made silly mistakes but still I did managed to get through it. I still remembered I was asking myself that why should I joined senamrobik, I could have just sat there and did nothing for my house , well, maybe my friends, Mai and katthy did pushed me and asked me to go and do something for my house, somehow, that only played a small part of my decision. I guess it was me who want to change, as I was trying to practice, I put my effort and tried t synchronized with the others. It was not easy, but I get through it.Another thing that I learned throughout the whole thing was we have to be serious if we want to success ,I was not concentrated at first but when I saw the look of my teammates and the captain, I started to think if they were so serious about this matter , why cant I be serious? I need to confess that I thought the captain was a little bit scary and I was actually reluctant to talk to her but she showed me her kindness when I did wrong or when I dint get the steps. During the sports day, before we had to perform, everyone was nervous and one of the girls was having nose bleed due to the hot weather but all this didnt just broke the spirit we had for it , we went out and we did all our best even if there were some careless mistakes. I think all of us should actually think victory can be achieve if we actually determine to do it.